Review: Starbucks' terrible horrible no good Flat White. 

"Grindintosecond" (Grindintosecond) 01/29/2015 at 16:01 • Filed to: coffee

0

18

Well. After a very tired drive home from the airport, I stopped to get one for the hell of it. Arriving home, my wife told me it tastes like a cappuccino, "What's the point?" she said. So why the hell would anyone spend more money on something that tastes like bitter coffee with milk in it? I can't tell. There's handcrafted, and hand crafted bullshit marketing in play here.

You may disagree. I don't care. This is my review as I see it and I could be very wrong and I may have received a very bad example. So I'll tell you what I think Starbucks tries to tell me any time I purchase a coffee from them. "Whatever the hell yo name is, shut up and enjoy it for once would ya?"

Taste: 2.5/10 - This is subjective to individual tastes of everyone and their coffee preferences. I understand that. Personally I can't stand Dunkin' as it gets bitter as it cools, at least to me it does where as a Starbucks Pike does not. However, considering this finely crafted 30 second commercial realization in a cup tastes like espresso with milk. Well, that's what it is. That's all it will taste like. Not even half n half either. Just your typical milk. It even tasted like skim none the less. For such a luscious commercial they spent this money on, of course the price for it will be the highest of any thing they make. So, of course the taste won't represent that value. They just want to recoup the investment. Assholes*

Look: 3/10 - Out of all of the coffee and creations out there to drink, this has a white dot in the middle. That's it. For all of the ways to make a latte with a milk poured leaf or decoration or whatever that can look weird and artsy, they justify using a machine costing thousands to make this. A white circle. I guess you could look at how it's something a Scandinavian would like. Simple and straight forward. Oh, it's foamed too. For less money you can get a better looking coffee based froo-froo beverage that taste's better, not like a milked over bitter battle. (See above.) If they wanted something unique, I would have wowed over a square for sure, but a circle dot thing makes me think they really aren't trying anymore.

Texture: 3/10 - The 1/10 is reserved for coffee grounds that slipped through the filter in to regular weak ass lightly brewed watery Folgers. I give it 5 because it feels like coffee that has something added to it like, perhaps, thin milk and not creamer. For those that like Creamer in your coffee, you understand how when it's done right it can score higher. For those that like their coffee black, you could understand how this lack of cream might make it better. So, for the sake of argument, a perfectly done black coffee, or perfectly creamed coffee, or a perfectly made froo-froo drink would score 7/10 for being well done, a 10 or close to that would be exceptionally made. This is a 3. The milk that they tried to foam just makes it taste like someone crapped thin skim milk in my bitter coffee. On the other hand, the bitter coffee taste is what espresso is supposed to taste like so I'll make it a 4/10. There;s some credit to be given.

Overall: 2.5/10 - This is marketing at it's finest. I deducted some of the average score based on price. It's freakin' expensive compared to everything else they make for the size you get and for what? Nothing extra or special. Just get a double shot of espresso in a coffee or a strong Americano and go pour real half n half in there on your own and save a buck. To make this thing taste worthy of the money paid, you still have to add other things to it later at the wood stick messy sugar crusted "accessories" counter. So, they got you nothing special and everyone will try it once to see what the hell that commercial was about. I'm sure at the super secret Starbucks Skunk Works they are at work creating the next brief moment in future promotion drinks.

Assholes*

*-note, the reference to assholes is directed at the Starbucks business, not their employees, for trying to pass one over on us and charge us for that experience of feeling 'taken' for a caffeinated ride.

For Sweden > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:05

1

being a pilot

not drinking straight espresso from the spout

Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:07

2

I can't stand Starbucks' coffee, and I think the flat-white is a little more than a marketing tool to take something with an establish base of drinkers in the Southeastern quartershpere and use the name to spruce up a drink that essentially already exists in many similar forms (somewhere in the range of a cortado, macchiato, and on), but it sounds to me like you just might not like milked/foamed espresso in any of its forms.

But what passes for Starbucks' concept of "roasting" is a horrible place from which to make any kind of decent tasting espresso, regardless of your stance on milked espresso.

ttyymmnn > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:07

0

Starbucks' terrible horrible no good Flat White Coffee

FTFY.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > For Sweden 01/29/2015 at 16:08

1

with a second cup full of schnapps

Grindintosecond > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 01/29/2015 at 16:09

1

Gettin' all Denzel on my pilot shit :)

Grindintosecond > Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney 01/29/2015 at 16:10

0

I like espresso, this is just bastardized and tastes worse.

For Sweden > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:11

0

Denzel flew best when he was drunk

/still pissed it was a movie about an alcoholic, not a film about an accident investigation

Grindintosecond > For Sweden 01/29/2015 at 16:13

0

You gotta watch this then.... Cliff Robertson got trained to fly the DC-8 just for this movie.

Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:14

1

I haven't had it yet, for what it's worth, and my expectations were already low. They're doing whatever they can at this point to claw back a coffee drinking populace that has finally been exposed to decent espresso and drip.

CalzoneGolem > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:16

0

I was like wtf is a Flat White so I looked it up.

Then I was like wtf is the difference between a Flat White and a small Latte? so I looked it up.

So much examination of coffee minutiae!

coelacanthist > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:23

0

If one wants good espresso, one should invest in an espresso maker and learn how to use it. I love it when people who go to Starbucks act like coffee snobs, its like foodies talking about what they order at Dennys.

Where have all the lightweights gone? > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 16:24

0

One of my friends is from London and was REALLY excited that Starbucks was going to have a flat white. He has been jonesing for a good one since he left the UK.

He tried one the week they came out, and he was utterly disappointed. As much as it doesn't taste like an authentic English Flat White, it's still better than the over sugary drinks they sell. It also makes me excited to try a proper Flat White when I head to London in a month.

Grindintosecond > Where have all the lightweights gone? 01/29/2015 at 16:32

0

Yeah. I agree with your motive. I look forward to try anything authentic to make sure I'm not missing out on real life. Example? Twizzlers! What's black plastic 'licorice' supposed to taste like? Well, I looked for some real serious licorice the way it's supposed to be and tried it. Nope. I know now That I am not a licroice enthusiast. I could tell where the appreciation lies in that , but it's not for me at all. I can tell from this fu**ed white that I would be alright with it, if it were just made by someone who knew what they were doing. For all I know Starbucks has them frozen in a fridge and thaws them out when you order.

Grindintosecond > coelacanthist 01/29/2015 at 16:33

1

Well, I can tell you that it doesn't get any better than their Grand Slam breakfast. Especially when you see how much it doesn't cost.

E92M3 > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 17:54

0

What's the difference between this and a latte? Sounds exactly the same..

Grindintosecond > E92M3 01/29/2015 at 18:10

0

Well, a Starbucks Latte is made with an attempt. The flat white is made with the dirty rear ends of hippos.

E92M3 > Grindintosecond 01/29/2015 at 20:15

0

So it's a different bean used to make the expresso compared to a latte?

Grindintosecond > E92M3 01/29/2015 at 21:11

0

yes. Cultivated from the ass bean. I hear its a conflict crop.